Zo posts yet another emo post just cos he said he wouldn't!

I'm exhausted.

Mentally and physically. From just about everything. Studies, social life, family life, whatever kind of life is there. Nothing seems to be going "right" for me.

Six months back, it seemed like I had completely lost my sense of humor. In the last few months I seemed to have gone through a "comedy" block and really couldn't think of anything to say. Some people have looks, some have charisma, all I had was somewhat of a quick wit. Around the time practices for the play started, it felt like I couldn't think of anything to say. I appeared like a complete "David" in front of my fellow cast members and I guess that turned out to be a good thing to some level.

I always thought I had become less funny because of the people I was mixing with. In Maz, it was just a fun environment along with the people and I thought now in college where everyone seemed to be completely lost in their studies there really wasn't anyone to listen to me blabber.

But in the last two weeks, I seem to have somewhat "recovered" my ability to pull a joke off now and again. Though slowly I'm beginning to realize it has little to do with the people around me as compared to how my life is going. I'm beginning to realize that I've always seen comedy as a way to separate myself from the tensions of life. The worse life gets for me, the funnier I get or the more my interest grows in the comedy genre of entertainment.

During the play practices, I somewhat felt a purpose to everyday, apart from just going to college to study. I guess I was somewhat happy. It meant I could escape from the hassle of everyday life for a few hours and not need to think of trying to be funny to keep myself from breaking down.

Although I may be blogging, I still feel like I'm a very private person and won't go into exact details why life is sh*t for me. All I'll say is there are too many f'in expectations. Everyone expects something out of you, and sometimes you feel like you just want to quit it all and just move away from civilisation.

My parents have a certain way they want me to spend my life. They want to be the ones planning it while my ambitions mean almost nothing as "they won't get me through life". I'm stuck between following what I want to do and living a life full of guilt for letting my parents down or following what they want me to do and spending my life thinking of "what could have been.." had I followed my dreams.

Whatever it is, I feel like I'll never be able to make it through A Levels, as I just can't seem to get myself to sit down and study no matter how worried I get. It doesn't help that my interest in studies has deteriorated to the point where I don't even give a fuck what happens anymore.

My social life hasn't always been the best. I've never been the best at interacting with people but I used to be happy with the friends I had. Now everyone slowly seems to be changing and finding themselves and it seems I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Some of my closest friends have ended up leaving (*sniff*Iman*sniff*) or I have just lost contact with (too many people who I won't even bother naming as they probably don't even read this and if they do they should know who they are!) and it seems like I'm slowly being isolated from everyone. I don't mind being alone anymore either now as compared to when I always had to have someone around. Sure I've met and made many new friends but I don't seem to have any friends who I can really call a close friend who I can talk to openly. Those that I did have seem to be just changing so much.

As of this moment I really can't say I have anything to look forward to or any reason to even goto sleep tonight and wake up tommorow or look forward to next week for. Maybe there is something more out there but the truth is I really couldn't be fucking bothered.

As of this moment, at 8:33PM Friday, October 19th I'm just fucking exhausted.