Yet another emo rant

Gah I'm exhausted.

Some of my best/worst posts have been made when I'm exhausted. Though almost all of my posts seem like they are aimed at an audience, they are written just for me. I blog just to put down whatever shits on my mind. But it seems like I'm aiming it at someone, simply because it feels easier to address it that way. This post is the epitome of that. It's not really meant to be read. Feel free to do so but I hardly think you will understand a word of it. It's just me putting down shit to make sense out of it. Something like self therapy.
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I hate coming home. I hate going online and I hate knowing everything thats going on around me. That all explains the lack of posts lately.

I hate coming home because it means I get to go online and I hate going online because it means I get to know whatever is going on around me. I hate THAT because I just feel so left out of everything. I don't know what it really is. When I think hard about it there is very little I can find to complain about life. I've got more than enough friends but something just feels like its missing.

There are so many people I hate having lost touch with. Sometimes I wish that Maz had just continued, not because college life sucks. Far from it. But because it would have felt so much better to just continue in one stage of life rather than having to start over again time after time. I know I'm just babbling because really I am loving college. I've met alot of new people and my social life is probably tons better than before but it still feels like things then were just easier.

I also get the feeling there isn't anyone I'm REALLY close to anymore. Sure I know alot of people and I am close to enough but it feels like I don't know anyone who I can totally feel compatible with as a friend. A best friend perhaps? I don't know what it is. I really don't. But everytime I come online and check Facebook, MSN and all that other shit I just feel so bummed out. So left out. Left out of what? I don't even know.

Maybe its my personality. I really don't have one. I don't think I've ever made a good first impression or any kind of impression at all. I know there is something wrong there. I can feel it when I communicate with anyone but I just can't seem to fix it.

Maybe its not even my social life thats missing something. I really can't seem to guess what it is. All I know is that there is a gapping hole and it's like I know exactly the thing that can fit right into it to cover it up but what it is I can't seem to remember. Like those times when you know who exactly was in that movie but their name and their face just can't be recalled.

Maybe I know exactly whats wrong and do remember it but I'd rather just try and figure out alternatives rather than selecting that option. Its like I know there are no alternatives but I'll just keep trying to find them because I know I'll never be able to carry out what really needs to be done.
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Gah I'm exhausted.